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Jealousy
or Sibling Rivalry
Parenting the
second time around
You have just had your second baby
and you can't wait to take her home. Life is good. You think that the tough
part was over with the delivery and now everything is on cruise control.
After all, you've done it all before. You have mastered the mysteries of
diapering, breastfeeding and teething. You know what to expect and you
are prepared.
Don't forget your
first-born
Hold on a minute. While things will
definitely be easier the second time around, parents need to remember that
every baby is different. While the motions of parenting seem to follow
a pattern, your baby certainly won't. In addition, there is another little
person whose feelings need to be considered. You cannot expect your first
child to be as excited about the new baby as you. More often than not,
older children resent the new baby. They do not take kindly to having to
share their parents with this stranger who has intruded into their private
and exclusive domain. While it may not be possible to prevent feelings
of jealousy, parents must certainly do their part to minimize it. They
must ensure that their older child does not feel abandoned like an old
shoe.
Breaking the news
The first step that parents should
take in dealing with sibling rivalry is to prepare their firstborn. Parents
are not sure when they should tell their child that the mother is pregnant
and a new baby is on the way. Initially, people were of the opinion that
children should not be told too early because of the long and boring wait
before the new baby actually arrives. On the other hand, children are very
sensitive and are quick to pick up that 'something's up.' If they are not
told what all the excited whispering and constant adult discussions are
about, their imaginations run riot and there is no saying what conclusion
they will come to.
Change can be
misinterpreted as rejection
Any major changes that you are planning
to introduce in your older child's routine should be done either a couple
of months before the arrival of the new baby or postponed for a couple
of months after that time. If you try to wean or toilet train your older
child or send her off to school around the same time that you bring your
new baby home, you may cause a misunderstanding. She may view this as a
sign of rejection in favour of the new baby.
Encouraging independence
in the older child
New babies are time consuming. Thus,
it would be a good idea if mothers tried to loosen the apron strings in
advance, teaching their older children to be less dependent on them. Encourage
them to play more on their own. Give them the opportunity to get accustomed
to a babysitter if parents intend to use them. Involve the fathers so that
they play a bigger role in parenting activities like bathing the child
and bedtime rituals. However, mothers should remember that the child should
not be given the impression that the new baby has stolen her mummy.
Don't let your
pregnancy get in the way
Pregnant women are often irritable
and tired. It is difficult to keep up with an active child in this condition.
Instead of snapping at her, explain to your child that making a baby is
hard work that makes mummy tired. If your back hurts, invite your child
to lie down next to you and read her a story. Remember that picking up
your child in no way endangers your pregnancy, unless the doctor has forbidden
it. So don't refuse to pick her up, blaming the pregnancy. You will just
be sowing the seeds of resentment against the new baby in her mind.
Make your child
feel involved in the pregnancy
Take your child into confidence and
make her feel a part of your pregnancy. Explain to her that as the baby
grows, your stomach will become bigger and bigger till the baby is ready
to come out. Once the baby begins to kick, let your child feel the movement
of the baby. Refer to the baby as 'our baby' to make your child feel included.
Let her help you pick the baby's toys and furniture. Refresh her memory
about babies by making her look at her own baby photos and praising how
grown up she is now.
Do not overcompensate
for your pregnancy
In attempting to prepare your child
for the new baby, do not go overboard. Do not shower her with gifts or
slack off on disciplining her. The message you are sending out is that
you are already guilty about neglecting her in the future. She will feel
that it is compensation for the terrible times that lie ahead. She will
realize that she has the upper hand and play on her parents' guilt to get
her own way. Do not let your pregnancy dominate the lives of the members
of your household.
When the new baby
comes home
It is important that the sibling
relation begin on the right note. The way parents handle the homecoming
of the new baby is important in this respect. It may be a good idea for
the older child to be taken to the hospital by a family member to 'help'
bring the baby home. If that is not possible, the mother should try to
greet her older child privately before father and the baby enter the house.
It may be helpful to curb the number of visitors in the first few days
after the mother and the baby return from the hospital. This will give
the mother some time to recuperate. In addition, the older child will not
feel as if all the attention is focused on the new baby. This may be difficult
to enforce, as the arrival of a new baby is the cause of much jubilation.
In that case, instruct the visitors that they should try not to gush and
coo at the baby to the exclusion of the older child. New babies sleep for
most of the day so mothers should take advantage of this free time to spend
some special time with their older child. If your child expresses a desire
to stay home from school for a couple of days, let her. If you insist that
she go to school, she will feel like you are pushing her out the door now
that you have a new baby.
Manifestations
of sibling rivalry
Sibling rivalry is manifested in
various, sometimes subtle, ways. Some children are openly hostile to their
new siblings, while others are more diffident about expressing their negative
feelings. Some older siblings give the baby a good pinch or try to hurt
the newborn while your back is turned. Another child may seem to be responding
favourably to the new entrant in the family until she politely queries
when the baby is being taken back to the hospital. Some older siblings
show no animosity to the newborn at all preferring instead to turn their
anger on their mothers. Some children go to another extreme attempting
to suppress their jealousy. They develop a kind of obsession with the newborn.
The new baby becomes a point of reference for everything that they see
or do. This is neither natural, nor healthy.
It is much healthier if your child's
hostility is out in the open and she expresses the way she feels. However,
don't dwell on her hostility. Acknowledge it and then move on. In the case
of children who are suppressing their resentment of the newborn, it may
help to draw them out by taking them into confidence and saying that you
too get quite annoyed when you have to get up in the middle of the night
to feed the baby.
Regressive behaviour
Your older child may feel that the
baby has a cushy life. The newborn is petted and pampered, gets to spend
the most time with mummy, and has done nothing to deserve this luxury.
She decides to try out some baby talk, drink milk from a bottle and occasionally
even wets her bed to draw your attention. Be patient with her and do not
ridicule or chastise her for her 'babyish' behaviour. At the same time,
remind her subtly that she is grown up. Praise her when she exhibits independent
behaviour and tell her that she can be a great help to you because she
is older.
Dealing with physical
aggression
If you have caught the older sibling
in the act of causing bodily harm to the baby in any way, remember that
scolding her will only fuel her resentment. Do not overreact. Calmly explain
to your child that it is important to be gentle with the baby. To be on
the safe side, do not leave them alone together till you are sure that
your child is old enough to understand the consequences of her actions.
It's a juggling
act
First time mothers find that their
whole lives are different with the birth of their babies. They don't seem
to have the time for themselves any more. Just when a woman has finally
adjusted to being a mother from a wife, along comes her second child and
she is in the middle of a whirlwind again. Life is a maddening whirl trying
to balance the needs of a husband, a child and a newborn baby. It is a
given that it is not possible to make everyone happy all of the time. Women
can just give it their best shot.
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