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The
Beginnings of Friendship
Starting on an
equal footing
"Man is a social animal," they say.
To survive in a society, one must be able to reach out and establish a
bond with other people, extending beyond one's family circle. As adults,
we tend to take friendships and our ability to form them for granted. But
consider a life without friends. In a word, unimaginable. Can you remember
the day you made your first friend or even who that person was? Probably
not.
A child's first friendship could
be said to be her first foray into society. This is a whole new ball game
for her. Her parents are her guides and protectors, her safety nets. Her
siblings are sometimes her teachers and sometimes her tormentors. But a
friendship normally begins on an equal footing, a relationship of give-and-take,
of two-way traffic, irrespective of what it ultimately evolves into. It
is a relationship with a person she has been drawn to, with whom she can
explore, experiment learn about the world and make mistakes with. A friend
is a person, like her, who is beginning from square one. Even though everyone
was a child once, but as an adult it is difficult to slip into the shoes
of a child once again. Parents and siblings can never take the place of
friends of the same age and vice versa. Every relationship has a unique
place in life and performs a unique function.
The evolution
of friendship
At what age can you expect your child
to be social? Before two years of age, a child is too busy staring wide-eyed
at the world around her, trying to take it all in. Her family fills her
little world. While her immediate family stays a constant presence, all
the time there are new faces and happenings to absorb. She is too young
and immature to build a relationship with her peers. However, once she
is two years old, she is ready to make her debut in society.
When parents put a couple of two-year
old together to play, they may not think so. What they will probably observe
is two toddlers pottering about with their respective toys without even
acknowledging each other's presence. But parents should not despair, because
even though the children seem to engage in parallel play, they are actually
learning from each other through imitation. Toddlers can imitate a whole
new sequence of actions from their peers and in this way absorb new skills.
If parents observe two toddlers 'playing' together closely, they will see
one toddler build a tower of blocks in the same manner as the other had
without seeming to interact at all.
That is about all that you can expect
from a relationship between two-year-olds. Between the ages of three and
six, children's ability to relate to their peers takes a tiny step forward.
In the case of boys, it is the age to vent their aggression. Parents are
most likely to see their little boys locked in combat, rolling around the
floor, wrestling with other boys and generally indulging in horseplay.
Girls, on the other hand, are more likely to tease and provoke each other
and giggle at every opportunity. This is the time when children are initiated
into the world of give-and take. It is important that children should not
be isolated for whatever reason. Spoiled and overprotected children will
have a difficult time.
Between the ages of six and nine,
children begin to form friendships in the conventional sense. Children
begin to form small groups. They get attached to particular children and
want to spend all their time together with their special friends. They
are possessive about their special friends and deeply hurt when a friend
shows a preference for another. Group dynamics can be observed. Some children
are admired, some bullied and others excluded. This is the time a child
will learn the demands of closeness and the need to be sensitive to others'
feelings.
Aggression and
bullying
When two children get together, it
need not necessarily be all sweetness and light. Just like adults, they
just may not get on. One child may be particularly aggressive, while the
other might cower in response. Given this scenario, most parents tend to
jump into the fray, but this could backfire, as they are likely to reinforce
their child's imbalanced behaviour by their intervention. The parent of
the aggressor is likely to reprimand her child with the aim of putting
a stop to her aggression. At the same time, she probably resents the other
parent for expressing her anger. The aggressive child senses her parent's
overreaction and increases her aggression. The parent of the docile child
will either angrily exhort her child to fight back at a time when she is
not capable, or play the role of the protector. The parent's anger and
embarrassment will drive home the docile child's sense of helplessness
and inadequacy.
Parents should leave their children
to hammer out the situation on their own. The minute parents step into
the picture, it becomes an adult situation. However, if the children cannot
cope even after being left to their own devices, then parents should steer
them towards playmates of a similar temperament. Children are more likely
to learn from playmates of a similar temperament. If parents of a docile
child push her to be more aggressive or gregarious, they are merely giving
her the message that they do not approve of her the way she is. Parents
of aggressive children will find that when such children are thrown together
with other aggressors, they are likely to become bosom buddies as aggression
on both sides somehow balances out.
Bullies are insecure children who
combat their insecurity through aggression. Bullying behaviour tend to
fall into a vicious circle. Children distance themselves from bullies and
as the bullies are more and more isolated, their insecurity increases and
so do their bullying tactics in an attempt to hide their vulnerability.
Parents of bullies should try to bolster their self-image, but at the same
time they should make it clear that bullying behaviour is unacceptable.
They should try to make their children understand that often children tease
each other in an attempt to get to know each other better and that if one
can take some ribbing and teasing sportingly, one is likely to make a great
deal of friends.
Healthy interaction
equals healthy development
Parents should ideally leave their
children to find their own feet. The less the adult involvement, the more
the children are likely to learn about each other and themselves. They
should be left free to make their own judgements and mistakes. The quantity
and quality of a child's friendships is a good indicator of her mental
and emotional well-being. In all likelihood, a child who is shunned or
ostracized by her peers is sending out a message spelling out anxiety,
self-doubt or some kind of turmoil. Sometimes children can be more sensitive
and perceptive than adults. They can tell the difference between a child
that is upset by some immediate circumstance and one that is chronically
happy. In the latter case, children react by staying away because they
are threatened by these feelings. When a child cannot establish bonds with
her peers, it means that something is fundamentally wrong and needs parental
attention.
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