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When
Parents Fall Sick
Even if you're
sick, you're still a parent
Reena Malkani, mother of 6-year-old
Ankit, had to have an emergency appendectomy. She says, "I was in agony
because my appendix was inflamed. I couldn't see straight from the pain.
I just knew that I wanted it to stop. I didn't give a thought to what my
son must be thinking."
This is not unusual because when
a person falls ill, the only thing that they can think of is getting better.
The fact that they are parents becomes secondary. Unfortunately, you can't
take time off from being a parent. It's a lifetime thing.
An anxious time
for children
A parent's illness is an anxious
time for the whole family and maybe more so for the children because they
don't know what's going on. When parents fall sick, children tend to worry
that they are going to die or disappear and they wonder who's going to
look after them.
When children see their parents laid
up in bed or in pain, they resent the fact that things are not the same
and that 'mommy' or 'daddy' is not available to them any more in the usual
way. Children are too young to be rational and unselfish. Parents distracted
by worries about their illness and unable to spend time with their children
may unwittingly give rise to thoughts in their children's minds that their
parents don't love them any more. Parents have to understand that their
children derive a lot of comfort from the predictability of their routine.
Children need
to know
Often parents in a misguided attempt
to 'protect' their children tell them that everything is all right. However,
this creates further confusion in the children's mind because they are
perceptive enough to see that there is definitely something wrong and their
parents are communicating a conflicting message.
If your sickness is going to keep
you in bed for a few days, make it a point to briefly explain to your children
that you are going to have to rest for a few days so that you can get better
quickly and play with them.
It's important that all family members
and close friends stick to the story that you have told your children.
It will be very confusing and worrying for your children if they are told
things about your illness that are not consistent with your version of
the story.
Going to hospital
If you need to be hospitalized, it
is going to make your children even more anxious if possible. It's bad
enough that you are not well enough to go on with your parenting duties
as usual, but now they don't even have your physical presence to give them
some reassurance. It may be difficult, but you're going to have to take
the time out to explain in simple words what is the matter with you. They
are not going to understand the details of something like an inflamed appendix.
But what you can tell them is that there is this little part of your body
that is hurting you and the doctor is going to make you better by taking
it out at the hospital. Older children can be given more information because
they will be able to comprehend more.
You are also going to have to make
arrangements to ensure that your children's routine remains undisturbed
as far as possible. For instance, you can explain to your children that
even if you don't come to pick them up at school as usual, your spouse
or somebody else that they are familiar with will be there. Take any help
that is offered in order to minimize upsetting your children's routine.
Children below the age of five can
be taken for hospital visits, but they will have to be prepared in advance
for the sights, sounds and smells. Avoid bringing them to the hospital
if you (or your roommate if you have one) are hooked up to machines. It's
better if they visit you when you can sit up or even walk around. It's
more reassuring.
Coming home
When you come back from the hospital,
your children are going to expect you to be as good as new and slide back
into your routine as soon as you walk in the door. Unfortunately, leaving
the hospital does not mean that you're fighting fit. Often you will need
more time to recover your strength. Your children are probably not going
to like this or understand it. You are going to have to explain that while
you may look fine on the outside, you are still going to need your rest
before you completely recovered.
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