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Are
Parents Fair to their Children?
It's not fair
10-year-old Vinay says, "Mummy always
shouts at me. She never says anything to my younger brother Aayush. Just
because he's small he can do anything." One hears myriad complaints from
children that their parents are being unfair. "My older sister gets more
pocket money than me." My brother is allowed to sleep over at his friend's
houses because he is a boy." "Daddy always takes her side when we fight."
Good intentions
Most parents start out with good
intentions. They want to be scrupulously fair in their dealings with their
children and treat all their children the same way without discriminating
between them. Parents endeavor to give their children similar presents
so that nobody should be left out. Some parents make a conscious effort
to try not to lose their temper with one child more than the other. They
try to apply rules of discipline impartially to all their children. Yet,
despite their best efforts, children continue to complain that they are
getting the short end of the stick. Is there something wrong?
While it is admirable that parents
want to rear their children without discriminating between them, this is
at best an admirable theory or a guideline to adopt while parenting. Parents
who feel guilty when their children accuse them of being unjust can rest
assured that it is virtually impossible to stick to your resolve of constant
fairness.
Unrealistic expectations
Constant fairness is an unrealistic
expectation of parents because they have failed to factor in the most basic
element of human error and their capacity to misjudge situation and overreact
which is quite normal. While you can work towards the goal of being fair,
do not be dismayed if you find yourself straying off the path. Parents
are human after all.
When parents think that they can
always be fair, they have to realize that it's not like disciplining soldiers
in the army. Each child is different and has his own temperament. Some
children are easy to talk to and reason with. Others can be stubborn and
naughty and will need a firmer hand. There is no way that one blanket approach
can cover them all. Some children get shouted at more often because they
don't respond to any other kind of discipline.
Playing fair can
backfire
Parents should also keep in mind
that by sticking rigidly to the 'always fair no matter what' attitude they
may be doing their children a disservice. Children are entitled their special
praise and privileges depending on their needs and when they earn it. If
you deny them, it will just make them feel resentful and neglected.
It is difficult to be fair when settling
squabbles between siblings, especially when you cannot identify what happened
or who started it or who finished it. Every child will present his own
version, but you cannot afford to take any child's word over the others.
You will have to deal with them as you see fit, even if it means that one
or more of your children feel that they have been unjustly dealt with.
So instead of concentrating so hard
on being fair parents, may be you should work harder on ways to make your
children feel loved.
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