Divorce is a very big step in a relationship. Here are a few ways to talk to your children about what is happening.
'Until death do us part'. This was the promise you and your spouse made to each other on the day you took your vows. You had visions of leading a happy married life and growing old together. Yet somewhere along the way, things started to go wrong. Finally, both of you decided that a divorce was the only solution. The question now is how do you tell your children?
Keep Children Away from the Conflict
Children are extremely sensitive to what is going on around them. They will immediately pick up even small changes in behaviour. Try to keep your children away from the conflict as much as possible. This will ensure that your children do not witness any ugly scenes that might arise out of your marital problems.
The primary guideline is to not fight or argue with your spouse in front of your children. Situations tend to be highly volatile at this time and conflicts can easily escalate into an all out war. If you need to talk to your spouse about something that could potentially start a fight, then wait until your children are at school or anywhere outside the home. Also, try to remain amicable in all your dealings with your spouse. Even if the two of you are planning to separate, there is no reason for you to be openly hostile with each other. Fighting in front of the children will increase their feelings of insecurity and worsen the situation. This is important not only at home but also when you are out in public. At this trying time, your children need both parents to be there for them.
There are a few more steps you can take to avoid dragging your children into your conflicts. Avoid discussing your spouse's behaviour with your children. Do not make disparaging remarks or focus on any bad habits. Remember that your spouse's relationship with you is changing but he is still the father of your children. He deserves their love and respect just as much as you do. The same rule goes for members of his family. By putting them down, you would further draw your children into your marital problems.
Telling Children the Marriage is over
Divorce is a life-changing situation. It is going to affect the entire family, especially your children. It is important for you to be honest with your children. They deserve to know the truth about why their parents are no longer going to be living in the same home. Being honest does not mean criticising your spouse. If your children are very young, a simple explanation will suffice. However, if your children are teenagers, they will obviously want to know all the details relating to your divorce.
Make sure that you discuss the situation with your children before any changes in living arrangements take place. Your children should not have to wake up one day and find that their father has taken his belongings and vanished. It will be an extremely traumatic experience for them. As far as possible, your spouse should be present when your children are told about the divorce. Both of you should speak to the children to avoid any misunderstandings. Remind children that the divorce is solely because of a problem between you and your spouse. As parents, you still love your children.
Talk calmly to your children as you explain things to them. Be respectful towards your spouse as well. Tell your children that the marriage problems are not their fault. Your children are also not supposed to try to fix them. Inform them if there are going to be any changes in the living arrangements. This includes changes in school schedules and extra-curricular activities.
Reassure Your Children Emotionally
Many children mistakenly believe that they are responsible for their parents' problems. They may associate their own conflicts with those of their parents. Children often assume that divorce is associated with a bad report card, arguing with parents, getting into trouble, etc. Young children may have difficulty understanding the situation. They may think that their parents do not love them anymore, which is why they are leaving the house. These are very real fears and need to be treated as such.
Be patient with your children. You and your spouse must constantly talk to them and watch for signs that your children are starting to blame themselves. Keep reassuring them that they are loved. Clear up any misunderstandings they might have about custody arrangements, etc.
No matter how amicable the divorce may be, it is still a time of hurt and sadness for a family. In such a situation your children need you more than ever. Ensure that you comfort them and remember that time is the best healer.
Do you approve of divorce if a married couple has problems? What is the best way to inform children about divorce? Should you tell them all the details or not? To share your tips, views, and experiences, click here.
